The Stuff of Legend
by The Phoenix Queen
Summary: James is upset when Lily rejects him for the 547th time and so Sirius decides to cheer him up by pulling a prank on Snape. How else? But when the Marauders invent a secret admirer for dear old Snivelly, interesting events occur to keep the prank going...
1. Chapter 1

"Shut up, Potter!"

Lily rushed out of the room, leaving James there, discouraged.

"Rejected again, Prongs?" Sirius asked as he came out of the portrait where he had apparently been eavesdropping.

"What does it look like?" James replied dejectedly.

"How about I cheer you up with a good prank?" Sirius asked, an evil grin coming to his face.

"You have any ideas or do I have to make one up myself?"

"Oh I think I have a good idea..."

around twenty minutes later

"This is so perfect!" James whispered gleefully as he and Sirius sprinted down the hall, a very important note in James's hand.

"I know, mate. This is going to be the stuff of legend."

Suddenly both went quiet as they approached the Slytherin common room entrance. After looking quickly around, James ran over to the door, placed the note in  
front of it, and sped away again, cackling madly. And so the letter sat there, waiting for a certain someone to find it, the words, "Severus Snape" scrawled across the top in beautiful, oddly feminine cursive.

However, it was not Snivellus who found the letter, but a tall girl with long, shiny dark hair and heavily lidded eyes—by the name of Bellatrix Black.

Looking down at the letter, Bella started. The penmanship was unmistakably female. Knowing that no girl in their right mind would send Severus a letter, she decided to have a little fun. Walking into the Slytherin common room, Bellatrix found Severus sitting in a corner by himself reading a thick book on the Dark Arts.

"Oh Seeeeeverus, there's a letter here for yoooouuu," she taunted. Snape looked up, his ebony eyes staring at Bellatrix, plagued with loathing.

"Don't you want to know who it's from?" she asked gleefully.

"Give it here, Bellatrix," Severus snarled, making a snatch for the letter.  
"Oooo, Severus's feeling cranky," she cackled evilly, then stuck out her lower lip. "Did you forget to take your nap today, little bitty baby Snapey?"

"Just give me the letter and go away!"

"What are you going to do? Hex me?"

"Yes." Severus pulled out his wand and quickly started blasting Bellatrix with hexes. Five minutes later he was sitting back in his chair with the letter in his hand. Bellatrix however, was not as happy. She was stuck to the ceiling with orange hair and dark purple skin.

"LET ME DOWN SEREVUS SNAPE!" Bellatrix screeched

"No."

"You are going to regret doing this one day Snape!"

"Oh be quiet Bellatrix," Severus replied absently staring at his letter. "You're giving me a headache." Bellatrix, however, paid him no mind and continued screaming while Serevus read his letter.

Dearest Serevus,  
You don't know who this is, but you know me. You probably don't have any feelings towards me, but I have feelings towards you. Oh, I have feelings towards you. There is something about seeing you that just lights up my day. Your smile is like sunshine that could make flowers bloom and little bluebirds sing. The way your hair glides about when you move, leaving crystallized droplets of grease on the grass like sparkling dew. The way your black eyes gaze with such hatred at everyone around you, so strong and handsome. The way your high-pitched voice cracks when you shout the hexes you put on people. I could extol your virtues for hours, but cannot go on, for thinking about you makes me filled with sadness, knowing that you do not love me in return. I am just happy that you have read this, and may someday see me in a new light.

With love and kisses,  
Your secret admirer

Severus stared at the letter in front of him. Who was it that sent him this letter? Could it be true? He could hardly believe it. He was being stalked by some one madly in love with him.

Smiling to himself Severus went to his dorm room, forgetting all about Bellatrix.


	2. The First Meeting

Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter. Just copies of the books.

A/n: Hello! And welcome to the second chapter! The stuff of legend is our first story written together (by The Phoenix Queen and Empress Jadis).

Phoenix was kind enough to post our story because I am computerly challenged and have yet to figure out how to do it. Right. So we wrote this story over email for about a year and 3(?) months. Hope you enjoy this next chapter.

"I think Snivellus got our letter, don't you?" Sirius said the next day. He and James had been watching Snivellus closely all day. Snape seemed high on something, not paying much attention to anything, even Defense Against the Dark Arts.

"Yes," replied James with a smirk. "I think we will have to send another, don't you?"

That day Severus had been feeling very happy indeed, and he kept looking around to try and find the girl that wrote it. But nobody had acted different- nobody had so much as looked at him. Except Bellatrix, and that had been to turn him bald during charms. Severus hoped that the mystery girl would still like him, even though his newly re-grown hair no longer held as many crystallized droplets of grease. Later that day, he was walking past the Slytherin Common Room Entrance when his heart stopped. There was another letter lying on the stone floor. He ran over and picked it up, his heart now racing. And sure enough, it had "Severus Snape" written on it in the same handwriting.

Dear Severus,  
I think about you night and day. I see your twisted, pimply, beautiful face when I close my eyes. At night, I have dreams where you sweep me off on a unicorn, we live happily ever after, and I can gaze at your greasy hair reflecting the moonlight at night. I can talk to you all about how wonderful you are and you finally know who I am. But it is then that I wake up and cry myself back to sleep because I know this will never happen. You in your amazing manliness would never be able to meet me. I could never see you except in the dead of night in the trophy room on the third Wednesday of the month. It is the only time I am not being watched. So I am stuck just thinking of you and the crystallized grease in your hair, never able to express my love to your face.

Tragically with all my love,  
Your secret admirer

Severus just stared at the letter. Could this possibly be what he thought it was-an invitation to meet his secret lover? Just as he was deciding to write her a letter of his own, he realized that he had no idea who this girl was. And so he was going to have to take a  
chance. He was going to meet her.

James and Sirius stood around the corner, watching Snape read their second love letter. Then, as they watched in disgust and barely concealed laughter, Snivellus folded up the paper, kissed it, and set it in his pocket. Then he entered the Common Room.

"He's going to do it, mate!" whispered Sirius. "He's going to 'meet her'!"

"I know!" James whispered gleefully. "So we'll just make sure they have a nice private visit..."

James glanced at his watch. It was nearly might night so Snivellus would be here soon, he could hardly stand the wait.

"I think I hear him coming!" Sirius whispered beside him. They were under James' invisibility cloak hidden behind a large trophy awarded to Anatolia Branch for winning an all school dueling championship. They had come earlier and set up booby traps to catch Snape in. This was going to be perfect...

Severus had spent much of the previous day getting ready to meet his secret admirer. He hadn't paid attention in any of his classes, even Defense Against the Dark Arts, too busing trying to decide what he would say to her. He had changed his clothes (for the first time in five days) and had even washed his face. He had debated washing his hair, but finally decided against it-he didn't want to break his annual tradition. And besides, this girl, whoever she was, would be able to gaze at his starlit grease all she wanted this way. He had, however, brushed his hair, and had even put on deodorant. He didn't usually get this dressed up, but hey, this was a special occasion, wasn't it? 

That night, he grabbed the bouquet of flowers he had picked for her, without realizing that it was actually a mixture of dandelions and ragweed. Then he proceeded  
to the Trophy Room, going over his speech in his head.

James and Sirius watched as Snivellus approached the trophy room. He had a somewhat pleasant face on, which they had never seen before. It was sickening. He was also wearing what looked to be new robes, which was a first. Clutched in his hand was an ugly bouquet of weeds. It was so pathetic it was funny.

They watched in anticipation as Snivellus approached their first trap, a trip jinx.

Snivellus patted down his hair and smoothed out his robes. He spun around as he heard malicious laughter, but there was nothing there so he continued on his way, assuming it was just his imagination. Almost there...

"Almost there..." whispered Sirius.

Severus stopped right out side the trophy room, suddenly unsure of whether he wanted to go in or not. After all, the girl could be some strange weirdo, or a troll. Severus shuddered at the thought of that. He would not be able to take it if the girl turned out to be horrible. He decided to wait just inside the door for this secret admirer.

"Why is he stopping?" Sirius whispered furiously. "He's two inches away from the trip jinx!"

"Shut up, Sirius! He'll hear us!" James hissed at him. "Just be patient."

Five minutes later

"HE STILL HASN'T MOVED!" Sirius hissed through clenched teeth. "Why hasn't he moved?" Suddenly an idea dawned on James.

"Sirius, he's probably waiting for a girl to come out." James whispered. 

"But a girl isn't going to come!" Sirius whispered. He turned to James, who was looking at him, a slightly evil grin coming over his face.

"I _said_, a girl isn't going to…wait a minute…no, no James—don't you dare—no, don't you even think about it, no— PUT THAT WAND DOWN! Don't you dare-!"

Severus waited quietly for some time, impatiently anticipating the arrival of his secret admirer. He was beginning to lose hope when he heard a noise from the other side of the room. Out of the shadows came a girl. She was tall and very thin. Her hair was long, past her waist, and she had strikingly blue eyes. Severus stared; he had never seen anyone so beautiful in his life.

Sirius walked slowly out from the shadows, silently cursing James. How could he have turned him in to a girl! That was just wrong! How did he know how to do that any way? Some thing to find out later...

Sirius heard a sharp gasp that pulled him back to attention. There was Snape. He was staring at him with a strange expression on his face. It wasn't hate, it was... _Aw crap, Snape LIKES the way I look! He's ATTRACTED to Sirius the girl_! The prat put his hand to his greasy head and patted his hair down.

_That's just gross. Snape is trying to impress me_. _I wish he just hated me like always._

Silently cursing James and swearing to murder him if this spell was permanent, Sirius crept forward.

"Hello, Severus," Sirius said.

Damn it, even his VOICE sounded like a girl's!

Severus couldn't take his eyes off the beauty in front of him. Her eyes were such a beautiful, icy blue and her hair was the color of coal. She wore a gray tank top and perfectly fitting pair of jeans. He put his hand to his head, nervously patting down his hair. Then the girl spoke, in a sweet, perfect voice. "Hello Severus."

James watched from behind the trophy. This was going well, he could tell—besides the fact that it was absolutely revolting. Sirius was surprisingly good at being a hot girl; it seemed he had lots of experience in situations like these...

"Hello Severus," Sirius said.

"H-hello..." James doubled over in fits of silent laughter; they had gotten Snivellus to stutter—perfect. "Who are you? I mean I've never seen you here before and I... I..."

Snape was still struck dumb by the girl. Then suddenly he remembered that she had said "Hello".

"H-hello..." he replied timidly. "Who are you? I mean, I've never seen you here before, and I...I..."

"My name's Sandra." The girl cut in smoothly, tossing her hair. "I'm in Ravenclaw. But…" she ducked her head bashfully which only made her look sweeter. Still gazing at him, she batted her eyelashes. "I'm shy; you probably haven't seen me around much." Severus didn't know what to say.

"Uh...yeah." He suddenly realized how DUMB he must sound to this beautiful girl, and attempted to sound suave and sophisticated. "Sooo...you wrote me those notes, huh?" In his mind Severus slapped his hand to his forehead in humiliation. Geez, he was bad at this. However, the girl simply smiled sweetly.

"I did, honey. And I meant everything I said."

"You did?"

"Would I write it if I didn't?"

"Oh... yeah that's true." Severus mentally smashed his head on the wall. How could he sound so idiotic?

Sirius smiled. Even if he did look like a girl, it was almost worth it just to see, well, _make_ Snivellus this dumbstruck. But he couldn't honestly believe that he had just batted his eyelashes.

She was smiling. She was smiling...at HIM! He needed to seize this opportunity and say something flirty. "You...um...you have gorgeous eyes." Well, not as bad as it could have been. She smiled flirtatiously.

"Not as pretty as yours, my sugarplum." He blushed scarlet.

Behind the statue, James was gagging silently. (A/n: Me too.) This was just gross.

Inside Sirius was being sick. He knew he had to keep up this act, but this was really taking a toll on his emotional sanity. He was now officially scarred for life. _Oh Merlin, did I just call Snape "sugar plum"?_ This was wrong, sickening, disturbing. Sirius suppressed a shutter. This was not going to be a pleasant evening for James later on.


	3. Explanations

_A/N: Hello everybody! It's Phoenix Queen. When I write the author's notes, they will be in italics so you know it's me and not Jadis. Well I really don't have anything to say, except remember to review! _

_Disclaimer: Don't sue us! We're just two poor authors trying to make it in the world! We don't own anything! _

James woke the next morning with a start. He had snuck back to the common room before the rendezvous was over, not wanting to face Sirius when he was done being "Sandra" and afraid that he would not be able to restrain from vomiting much longer. Now completely soaked with freezing water, he looked up to see Sirius' smiling face directly above him.

James groaned: Sirius only had that smile when he was in a mood to interrogate someone.

"Soooo…do you plan on telling me how you happen to know a spell to transform me into a girl?"

"Not now Padfoot, I'm sleeping. Or, I was."

"Oh but it is such an interesting topic! Really! And why did you have to make me so hot? Snivellus was drooling over me!" Sirius shuttered; this was not an experience he wanted to repeat.

"Yeah, sorry about that, mate," said James, grinning. "I would never have guessed that you'd look better as a girl. Maybe we should make the spell permanent." He reached for the wand on his beside table.

"Touch that wand and die," Sirius growled.

"Oh, so you enjoy looking the way you do. Gotcha. I don't see why you would, but—"

"Shut up, James!" Sirius bellowed and tackled him. The two began a scuffle on the floor.

"What's going on?" asked Remus sleepily from the other bed.

"Yeah guys, why are you fighting at 2 o'clock in the &$# night?" snapped Peter, who was furious at being woken up at this hour.

"Well Padfoot here has decided that he should punish me for the brilliant save of our prank," James said dryly. "He isn't fond of his new and improved state of being."

"New and improved state of being! I am a girl! Female! This is scarring! You didn't even have the decency to undo your amazing transformation!"

"_You're a girl!_"

"What? Who's a girl? You know I am not sure I want to know, but I do have to see this. Lumos."

Remus' face came into view; he was holding his wand high over his head spreading light over the scene before him. James was lying on the floor next to his bed, a very hot girl standing over him holding a wand to James' chest. Remus looked at the girl. She was very tall with waist long black hair. She had a fierce look on her face that made her look like she was about to curse James into oblivion.

"Who the bloody hell are you? And what are you doing in the boys' dormitory?"

"I am shy Sandra from Ravenclaw! Good grief Moony, didn't you listen to James? I'm good ol' Padfoot who happens to be transformed by my dear mate Prongs." Sirius turned back to glaring at James, who had a smirk growing on his face.

Remus sighed "James, explain. And for Merlin's sake please change him back into a boy."

Half an hour later, they were all sitting on the floor. Sirius (who was thankfully male again) and James had just finished telling the whole story about the notes, the meeting, and the transformation. Remus looked thoughtful, but Peter was roaring with  
laughter.

"Cut that out, Peter. I'm still in the mood to hex someone." Peter stopped laughing immediately—he had had too much experience with Sirius's hexes.

"You know mate, you never did tell me how you knew that transforming gender spell."

James grinned.

"Oh, I think Peter can tell you that story." Sirius turned instantly to Peter.

"What do you have to do with it?" he demanded. "Did you teach James the spell? Because if you did, so help me I will—"

"No no no," Peter said quickly. "Well, several years ago, there was a night that Moony was off being a werewolf and you were in detention, without James for once. So  
it was only James and I in the common room, and we were bored. And you know that when I'm bored, I do...interesting things. This time I somehow got myself glued to the ceiling. And in the process of trying to remember the spell that got me down, James  
somehow turned me into a girl. Unfortunately, it was at that moment that Professor McGonagall entered the room. She went nuts, and reversed the spell. James has never forgotten the incantation, to this day."

"Which is a good thing or we would never have been able to so successfully pull off our prank."

"Successfully? Having Snivellus hit on you is not a success!"

"Chill, Padfoot. Um, guys, what were you planning on doing about this secret admirer? I mean she doesn't exist and Snape will be looking for her in the halls." A look of horror came to Sirius' face at these words.

"You will NOT turn me into a girl again! EVER!"

"No worries mate, we'll only do it when we have to." James replied. "But Moony is right, we are going to have to do something..."

Snape rushed back to his dormitory, leaping and jumping and wanting to sing with pleasure. He had just met the girl that he knew he was destined to marry. His one, his only, his darling...

"Ok, is it finished Padfoot? Good. Come on, we have to hurry!" James pulled his invisibility cloak out of his trunk and quickly covered himself and Sirius.

"Calm down, mate," Sirius whispered. "We don't want someone to notice us!"

"Sorry, but this is just so brilliant!" They had written another letter, this time with the help of Remus, even managing to snag some perfume from the girl's dormitory and scent the letter, with a nasty flowery smell. It was going to be perfect!

Snape, whistling joyfully, was just walking back to the common room when he saw a sight that made his heart positively burst with happiness. On the threshold of the Slytherin Common Room entrance, there lay a letter in a white envelope, once again signed, "Severus Snape" in that beautiful cursive. He opened it at once (there was a wonderful flowery smell) his heart thumping, and began to read.

My dearest darling honey-bunch Severus,

I cannot stand another hour without you. When I think of our meeting last night my heart swells with happiness-the way your dung-colored eyes shone in the starlight...the way your greasy black hair sparkled and shone...the way your thin, pallid face gazed at me...I love you, my darling. I must meet you again. For I have some terrible news to tell you. I cannot tell you in a letter, for I could not cause you more pain than you must endure. Remember, love conquers all, my little cowboy.

-Sandra

Severus stared at the letter in front of him. What did Sandra mean by terrible news? He was so preoccupied in his thoughts that he didn't notice Bellatrix sneaking up behind him and reading the letter in his hand.

"Ohhhh! Has little Snapey got himself a girlfriend?" Snape whirled around, totally taken by surprise.

"Shut up Bellatrix!"

"Now, now, little Severus, let's not lose our temper. You wouldn't want to make an ass out of yourself in front of this _Sandra_, would you?"

"I said shut up!" snarled Snape who was now brick red.

"Maybe I could help with your little girlfriend, Snape. I could give you some little tips. You know...what girls like, what are flowers and what are weeds like the last bouquet you picked for her..."

"HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?" Snape shouted at the top of his lungs, jumping to his feet.

"I have my...sources." Bellatrix said slyly, examining her fingernails. "In other words, I just followed the yellow brick grease trail you left behind."

Snape's mouth was agape. Having Bellatrix know your secrets was not a good thing; indeed, it was almost like shouting them to the world.

Lily Evans looked up from her book as loud bursts of laughter came from the other side of the room. She narrowed her eyes in disgust. She was sick of James Potter and Sirius Black. Always causing disruptions, never able to just be quiet and stop pulling pranks. Hadn't they permanently scarred enough lives already?

She was going to catch them one day and then...well _then_ maybe James would leave her alone. She doubted that however. And as if they weren't annoying enough, James had some sort of crush on her. Which thoroughly ticked her off.

But when she caught them...maybe he would begin to hate her. That would be a relief. They were laughing even louder now. Probably planning another cruel prank. Maybe she could catch them on this one. And thus thinking, Lily snuck over to them, trying to hear what they were planning.

Snape stared at Bellatrix from his chair across the room. Should he accept her offer of help or not? It would be nice to be able to impress Sandra but... could he trust Bellatrix?

That was an obvious 'no'. After all, he could barely count the number of times she had hexed him and made fun of him and humiliated him. But on the other hand, if he didn't let her help him, she would most definitely turn up at his date anyway, and if she was angry with him his date would not go at ALL well with her there. And besides, you never knew-maybe Bellatrix WOULD be helpful, teaching him to woo Sandra.

"All right," he said heavily after a while. "You can help me." He had four weeks before he could go see Sandra again, and they were going to be put to use.

_A/N: It's all I can do not to throw up while reading this. And I even _wrote_ it! I'm sorry to put you through so much physical agony, dear readers, but it's for the story! _


	4. Lessons with Bella

A/N: Chapter 4 is up! Aren't ya'll happy! Anyways we would like to apologize again for the extreme pain we put you through in the last chapter… "my little cowboy" shudder However I must insist you stay through the pain and read the next chapter, for then your pain will be rewarded! (Ok wow, that sounded a little scary. Sorry.)

Disclaimer: _Do you own anything, Jadis? _Nope, not so far as I know. _Yup, me neither. _

The next few weeks went by very fast for the Marauders. They kept their pranks at a minimum in order to further perfect the one they now called "Operation Snivellus". All they did was turn the entire Slytherin house's hair red and gold, transform the potions classroom into a swimming pool, 'accidentally' slip a Nose Hair Growth potion into the goblet of an unsuspecting first-year and let off several dung bombs and fireworks in the hallway. Their pranks were so few that the teachers were beginning to notice.

"Potter! Black! Please pay attention and stop writing notes to each other in class!" Sirius's head shot up as he quickly shoved his parchment into his bag.

"Yes Professor McGonagall."

Professor McGonagall stared at Sirius suspiciously. He had never behaved this well in her class, _eve_r. "Potter, Black, please stay after class; I want to talk to you. Now back to human-marsupial transformation..."

James looked at Sirius and rolled his eyes. Professor McGonagall would never understand that they were already very advanced in transformation, far ahead of the rest of the class. By the end of class they had forgotten about the meeting until Remus reminded them. Exchanging a knowing smirk as the bell rang, they made their way up to McGonagall's desk.

"You wanted to talk to us professor?"

"Yes I did. You two have been extremely well-behaved this week. Is something wrong?" James and Sirius exchanged another look, carefully hiding their surprise from Professor McGonagall. This was not what they had been expecting.

"No, Professor, not really…unless you mean our plan to redecorate the Great Hall," James replied.

"Oh yeah Professor, I wanted to ask you a few questions about what colors to use. We were thinking mauve and lemon, but would that clash with the—"

Professor McGonagall cut Sirius off sharply. "You will under no circumstances redecorate the Great Hall! Really, I thought after last year you would have learned! Now you two go down to lunch!"

"Yes Professor." That had gone very well indeed...

&$&$&$

During lunch, James and Sirius relived their meeting in McGonagall's office to an eagerly listening Remus and Peter. When they were finished, Remus was chuckling appreciatively and Peter looked delighted.

"So how are we decorating the Great Hall, then?" he asked eagerly.

"We're not, you twit!" James growled, rolling his eyes, as Sirius punched Wormtail on the shoulder.

As Peter rubbed his arm where Sirius had hit him, James looked down the Gryffindor table. He had the funniest feeling that someone had been watching him... And sure enough, about five seats down was Lily, watching him closely with her eyes narrowed and a shrewd expression on her face.

Without even thinking about it, he flashed a devilishly suave smile at her, and her glare became even more pronounced. Then she turned back to a girl with long blonde hair.

James sighed inwardly. He just didn't understand it. The more charming he acted, the more she seemed to hate him. All his usual lines and gestures, the things that made girls practically fall on their knees as he passed, just seemed to repulse her. She was unlike any other girl, ever.

And that was why he was so attracted to her, of course. It wasn't just that she was different. It wasn't like she was just a change from what he was used to. It was that she was…perfect. There didn't seem to be any other word for the admiration he held for her.

Why did she have to be so darn stubborn? He knew that if she went on just ONE date with him she'd see what a good person he was...but he had no time ponder this, as Sirius, whose hair had been turned blue, was currently making huge, pus-filled boils appear on Peter's face. Catching each other's eyes over the table, James and Remus petrified Sirius and Peter

"You two need to stop; you can't get detention." said James. "We have to plan 'Operation Snivellus'. And if you get in detention you won't get to help with any of it." Glaring at Sirius, James released him from the curse.

"Quite frankly I'm not that fussed—I don't want to be a girl again."

"But you wouldn't be a part of the best prank in the history of Hogwarts."

"Fine, I'll behave."

"Good."

"At least until the prank is over. Then—" Sirius mimed ripping James' head off.

&$&$&$

As Severus rushed back to the Common Room, he hoped beyond hope that somehow, Sandra would have written him another letter. He desperately wanted to see her again, but there was no way of letting her know that, seeing as he could never seem to spot her in the halls, or even at mealtimes. He turned the corner to the Common Room Entrance. No note sat on the threshold, but _something_ did. Or rather, some_one_.

"Ready for your first lesson, Snivelover?" Bellatrix taunted.

Snape swallowed.

"Er... yes."

twenty minutes later

"All right, time for the first lesson." Snape was very confused. Bellatrix had just led him on a twenty minute walk around the school, finally ending at the seventh floor corridor in front of a tapestry of trolls clubbing their would-be ballet teacher.

"Um... why are we in the middle of a random hallway? Just, er, wondering..." (a/n: _man that was fun_!) Snape trailed off as Bellatrix glared at him.

"We are here, Snivelover, because this is where your new classroom is." Bellatrix then started pacing back and forth in front of the empty wall before her.

"Uh…I may be wrong, but somehow I don't think walking around silently is the best way to impress Sandra."

"Shut up, you twit," Bellatrix snapped absentmindedly, still pacing.

The third time she passed it a door appeared where there had been just wall before.

"Coming?" Bellatrix walked through the door. Snape was utterly unprepared for what he saw in the room. He had been expecting an empty classroom. Not this. This was well, confounding.

The room was painted hot pink with bright red hearts scattered across the walls. From the ceiling hung pink cupids whose arrows shot pink, white and red confetti. There was a magenta-and-red-striped bookshelf placed in one corner, and in it sat books with titles like: Charm your way into her life and Love Potions? Who Needs 'Em? 100 tips to help you get that special someone. Scarlet poufs sat at random places around the room, and what looked like an assortment of love potions, each in a pink glass bottle, sat atop a table nearby. A radio (pink, of course) sat in one corner, playing sappy love song after sappy love song, and what seemed to be the smell of very strong perfume filled the air.

"_What_ the _bloody hell_ _IS _this place!" Snape gasped, his mouth hanging open.

"This, as I just said, is your new classroom."

"I'm not learning here." Bellatrix's eyes flashed.

"Oh yes you are. Unless you want me spreading the word about you and your little sweetheart all over the school."

Snape cringed, and a gloating smile spread across Bellatrix's face. "Listen, Snivelpants, I'm doing you a favor! Take my advice, don't blow this." Severus glared suspiciously at Bellatrix.

"Fine, pretend I'll do this. What's the catch?"

"Huh?"

"Bellatrix," said Snape, rolling his eyes, "don't try to pretend like you're doing this out of the goodness of your heart, because I know as well as the next guy that you don't have one. I repeat, what's the catch?" Bellatrix glared at him for a moment.

"Okay, my price is 10 sickles a session."

"Are you out of your MIND?" Snape bellowed.

"That's my price. You can either let me help you win the girl of your dreams, sacrificing a few galleons along the way, or be humiliated for the rest of your life and have Sandra refuse to meet you again when I tell everyone what you've been up to." Snape ground his teeth together.

"Fine."

A/N: _Poor Snivelly…poor, poor Snivelly… _


	5. Pointless filler chapter

The weeks went by quickly for Snape, he learned the difference between flowers and weeds, what sort of things were good to say and what were not. However there was one thing that Bellatrix could not get him to understand.

"Snivellus you really need to wash your hair. No girl likes it when a guy hasn't washed his hair in two years, really it's _nasty_. You are starting to leave trails of grease behind you!"

"It has not been two years since I washed my hair! For goodness sake it was washed three days ago!" It had in fact been washed three days ago, by none other than Potter and Black. It happened during History of Magic, which was their usual time for playing pranks on him, seeing as they sat behind him and Professor Binns never looked up from his notes. Suddenly, an excited and rather evil look lit up Bellatrix's face.

"I just had the most marvelous idea."

"What was it?" asked Snape suspiciously.

"Before your next big date with Sandra, I will personally give you a makeover."

"Like hell you will!" shouted Snape, clutching his hair and moving back several hasty steps. "I'm not letting you within ten feet of my hair!"

"Oh, it won't just be your hair, Snivelbrains. Clothes too, and shoes, and face..."

"I won't let you."

"You will unless you want my price doubled. And you know what will happen if I stop giving you lessons." Snape shuddered. Having the whole school know about his and Sandra's relationship-ESPECIALLY when it was Bellatrix's version-was not at all desirable. But have her give him a makeover? It was insane. Beyond insane. But once again, she had given him no choice.

$&$&$&

"All right, this is it mates. Part A of Stage Three of 'Operation Snivellus'!"

"Oh for goodness sake Prongs! Just cut to the chase already—no need to sound all... _organized_..."

James glared at Sirius. Sirius had been annoyed with him ever since he stopped Sirius from cursing Peter to oblivion.

"I am not organized! That is what Remus is for! But now let's please get back to "O.S."! We have a love letter to write!"

Sirius' eyes lit up; he loved doing this part. "All right, I'll write it and you guys can edit!"

Quickly pulling out a piece of parchment Sirius started to write in the strangely girly hand writing. Five minutes later he had finished. Handing it to James and Remus, he watched them read it. After watching them he knew he had done well.

"You know" said Remus slowly, after fixing several spelling errors, "It's almost creepy how good you are at this. It almost seems like you have had... practice..." He pretended to look suspiciously at Sirius. Sirius just snorted.

"Why are you getting on my case? We all know that the only one who's ever written a love letter is James, and Lily obviously thought that they were of poor quality. You need to let ME help you, mate," Sirius added to James, stretching and reclining in his chair. "I could give you a few helpful hints."

James snorted even louder than Sirius had.

"Since exactly when are YOU the master of love?" he asked.

"Well I certainly know more than you!"

"Yeah sure! Remember the date you went on with Amelia in third year?..."

Remus sighed, stretched and stood up. He knew from much experience that this was not likely to end anytime soon.

"Night Prongs, Padfoot, Wormtail." Peter waved to him, but Sirius and James were too busy bickering. Shaking his head in amusement, Remus started up the stairs to the boys' dormitories.

$&$&$&

Lily sat in the shadows near the portrait hole, listening intently to Sirius and James's conversation. The common room was empty except for those two and Peter, and she was sure that they could not see her, for the simple reason that she was under one of her own Disillusionment charms. Most of the bickering was pointless, but at the end she heard a few words that, to her, were worth their weight in gold. As Sirius stood, she caught the phrase, "Well, if all goes well, we (or should I say Sandra) should be meeting Snivellus in the trophy room again in three days time."

"'Midnight, for it's such a romantic time.'" said James in a strangely girly voice, as if he was quoting something. Lily didn't listen to the rest of their conversation. There was no need. All she needed to know was what she had just heard: a way to catch Sirius and James in the act once and for all. Lily headed for her dormitory and smiled evilly. Just three more days...

$&$&$&

"Look what I found outside our common room?" Bellatrix said waving, an envelope in Snape's face "Guess who it's from?" Snape snatched the letter from Bellatrix's hand and tore it open, reading it fervently.

My dearest darling Severus,

I can not hold my excitement much longer; I am nearly bursting to see you. All day long I dream about your pallid face, your hooked nose and cruel sneer. I see you greasy hair in my mind's eye and want to reach out and touch it, capturing the large droplets of hair grease. I must go, for someone is coming, but meet me in two days time in the trophy room—at midnight, for it's such a romantic time. I must go, my darling. Farewell until two days.

Devotedly your love servant,

Sandra

Snape stared. He would see her again! Finally! He turned around to see Bellatrix reading over his shoulder with a smirk on her face. Snape folded it

over hastily. She looked up at him.

"_'Devotedly your love servant'_?" she mocked, cackling. "Well let's go, Snivelly. We have work to do."


	6. Climactic events!

_A/N: I feel like Snape is really out of character…but it's all for the sake of the humor, so we're good! _

_Disclaimer: Nope. _

Snape woke up early on Wednesday with a heavy heart. Bellatrix had set the makeover for today. All day long, they were going to skip class. He rolled his eyes. Bellatrix was crazy—it would not take all day to do a silly makeover. Really, it wasn't like there was much she needed to improve!

Snape looked at the clock. It was almost 5:30, the time he was to meet Bellatrix in the common room to slip away to the room of requirement. They had agreed to skip breakfast so no one would see them. When Snape reached to common room he found Bellatrix waiting for him, her eyes shining mysteriously, holding a large bag in her hand.

&$&$&$

To his fury, Peter's makeup astronomy time was scheduled for Wednesday night at 11:30, which meant that he would miss the entire show. James was a little annoyed by this, but in his heart, he was partially glad that Peter wouldn't be there...he so often messed things up. (A/N: _yeah that's right peter! nobody likes you, you cowardly little traitor!_)

Sirius was, predictably, in a rage about having to be a girl again—even though James had exasperatedly explained to him a thousand times that it was absolutely necessary.

"Why can't you be the bloody girl!" he fumed. "I had my turn!"

"Because," said James not-so-patiently, "if I turned into a girl, I would look totally different from you as a girl. And as much as I'm sure Snape would love TWO 'girls' hitting on him, I really don't see a reason why I have to be emotionally scarred as well."

&$&$&$

Lily had decided to skip sleep altogether that night. She knew there was no point in trying to sleep before it: she would be much too excited. And as for sleeping afterwards? Well, she was pretty sure the idea of Snape hitting on someone would keep her up for nights to come. She was so excited she could barely speak to any of her friends. Finally, she was going to catch James Potter once and for all!

&$&$&$

Snape was more than a little worried as he sat down on the saloon chair in the Room of Requirement. He knew that he was perfect and that Bellatrix could not improve him much—so what if she made him _worse_!

_But that's unlikely_, he thought, trying to calm himself. _I could never be ugly, or even remotely plain in appearance. In fact it's simply impossible_!

&$&$&$

The Marauders were ecstatic. All the classes for the day were over and it was only six hours away from the grand finale of Operation Snivellus. Six hours and they would have pulled the ultimate prank.

&$&$&$

Lily was dressed entirely in black as she set off for the trophy room that night. She had decided to get there a few minutes before Snape would arrive, so she would be able to observe everything.

&$&$&$

James, Remus and Sirius bade Peter good-bye (A/n: _ha HA, Peter!_) then set off for the trophy room. When they got there, about ten minutes early so Snape would not see them arrive, James quickly turned Sirius into Sandra (with much colorful language on Sirius's part) and then James and Remus snuck off to opposite ends of the room, each stationing themselves behind large statues.

The plan was to have Sirius draw Snape closer and closer to James and Remus, then have the two jump out and stun him. Sirius had given Filch a "tip-off" that someone was going to be in the trophy room at quarter past midnight, and when they had left Snape there, immovable, Filch would come along and put him into probably a decade of detention. Not to mention that they would have broken his heart. It was all so simple, yet so perfect!

&$&$&$

Lily looked down the hallway and scowled. Why did Peeves pick this day of all days to play ping-pong with the suits of armor just outside the trophy room? It was just her luck that on her one chance to get back at James it would be all ruined...if only she could distract Peeves...

five minutes later

Lily smiled; she loved the feeling of having bested Peeves after all these years. To think that all it took was a well aimed body bind curse to take care of the little nuisance. If only she had thought of it a few years earlier. Slowly she slipped into the room, only a few minutes late for the meeting.

&$&$&$

James and Remus stood behind their overlarge trophies and peeked out at "Sandra" standing in the middle of the room. She looked gorgeous in jeans and a white sweater—however the look on her face was murderous.

"Psst, Sirius! Smile! Don't look so angry! This will not work if you kill Snape the moment he walks into the room!"

"Shut up James! You aren't the one who is a girl for Merlin's sake!"

"Really Sirius, don't worry. The therapy fund has started already."

"Remus what the heck are you talking about? And what is a therapy fund!"

"Shhh! It's almost midnight! Snape will be here any moment!" hissed James.

&$&$&$

Snape was nervous. Even the period of dating lessons with Bellatrix did not inspire confidence to the situation. On the contrary, he was now beginning to wonder if perhaps her advice had all been misleading, if she had been trying to get Snape to make a fool of himself. There was only one condolence: Snape was sure that if the date started going badly, his natural suavity and charm would kick in and save him.

But he was still nervous. And the fact that Bellatrix was bobbing behind him giving last-minute tips was not helpful in the slightest.

"Now remember the conversation lessons we had, Snivelly. Sure, you say she's pretty and all that, but you have GOT to keep your wits about you, or you'll sound like an idiot. Scratch that, you'll sound like MORE of an idiot."

At any other time, Snape would have given her a good hex, but he was too jittery even to pull his wand from his pocket. He contented himself with a very dirty look her way, but she seemed not to notice.

"We're almost there!" she squealed. Bellatrix seemed to be enjoying herself more than Snape, and he found himself wishing that SHE could take his place in this date. Then maybe he wouldn't have so much sweat dripping down his face. (A/n: Yuck. Snape sweat. Even the name sounds repulsive.)

&$&$&$

Lily watched as Snape came into the room from behind a statue. She almost fell over when she saw him. He was wearing new black dress robes, his face was _clean_, and he had a large bouquet of red roses clutched in his hands. However, the look on his face ruined the effect. It was a repugnant look of happiness, one she hadn't thought he was capable of.

Lily was very glad that she had put a disillusionment charm on herself because that face made her fall over. Turning away from the Snape's revolting expression, she snuck past the trophies looking for the Marauders.

&$&$&$

James watched as Snape came into the room. Very impressed at Sirius' ability not to puke in Snivelly's greasy face, he watched Sandra smile as he began to talk.

"Hello Sandra," he said in a soft voice. "Nice to see you."

James was surprised. He had never, ever heard Snape sound that... _nice_ in his life. Then suddenly, Snape came into a shaft of moonlight, and James was able to see the full extent of the makeover.

He nearly choked stifling his laughter. Snape's hair was no longer straight. It was...curly. In ringlets. Thick black, NOT greasy ringlets that would have been attractive on _anyone _else. But this was Snape. He had apparently come upon a tanning spell, because his face was several shades darker than its usual disgusting pallor. His eyelashes looked as if they had been curled slightly, and that faint shimmer on his lips...

Was that _lip gloss_?

James hastily put a silencing charm on himself and collapsed on the floor, shaking in silent but uncontrollable laughter.

&$&$&$

Severus stared at the amazing girl in front of him. She was so, so beautiful that it was almost hard to look at her. He knew that he wanted to be with her forever.

(A/n: Ok it is really hard to write about Snape! He is so... dumb.)

&$&$&$

Lily snuck amongst the trophies, looking around carefully for the marauders. Cautiously she walked around the edges of the room, using all her strength to not listen to the conversation behind her. It would probably give her great amounts of pain and suffering or at least a fit of puking...

&$&$&$

When James finally got control of himself, he was ecstatic. The prank was going perfectly! After all that hard work it was finally coming to the perfect ending. Or so he thought...

Until he felt himself under a full body bind.

"Well, well, what have we got here?"

James felt his face go white. The sneering voice belonged to none other than Lily.

Not good, not good!

_A/n: Ahh, I love climaxes!  _


	7. Gosh we're evil

A/N: We're back! Sorry it took so long to update but school started so my dear friend Phoenix had no time... tear But here we are with the next chapter! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: If we were J.K Rowling would we be wasting our time posting this when we could be writing the 7th book?

"Well, well, what have we got here?" her voice whispered in his ear, making him pale with fright and yet simultaneously triggering the gymnastics routine his heart did every time he heard that voice. He felt himself being turned onto his back with her foot, and looked up into those incredible green eyes, half in shadow, which were currently shining maliciously.

"Why, it's James Potter. Out for a midnight stroll, are we?" She looked around carefully, as if expecting an attack. "But where's the fourth marauder? I can see Lupin over there, and I know Peter got detention. But where's Siriu..."

Her voice trailed off as a look of dawning comprehension seized her face. She slowly, ever so slowly, turned out to look at the clearing where James knew Snape and "Sandra" were standing. Then she turned, just as slowly, back to him, an evil grin now spreading across her face.

"'Sandra' is really Sirius isn't she?" Lily's eyes were shining now. _Gosh she is beautiful_, thought James as he saw her turn to the center of the room. (_A/N: Why he thinks this when she just paralyzed him and is most likely about to screw up his prank is beyond me...)_

"Oh this is _perfect_," James heard Lily whisper as she pulled out her wand and watch the room in front of her, waiting for just the right moment.

&$&$&$

Snape stared at Sandra, not really listening to what she was saying. She was so beautiful it made him forget every thing he had planned to say and do. She was gazing at him...her hair was so pretty in the moonlight...Why was she still staring at him? Why wasn't she talking?

_Uh-oh_, he thought. _She must have just asked me a question! What did she say_? He searched his brain desperately for an answer. _Crap!_ He was going to sound like an idiot in front of this goddess of a girl! (A/N: puking) But he had to say something!

"Uh, yeah, me too." He wished he could crawl into a hole and just hibernate through the winter (A/N: me too), but the look she gave him was so sweet that he felt his heart melting.

"You're so cute, honey!"

&$&$&$

Sirius was retching inside. Honestly, it had been bad enough just to have to be a girl. But now, now he had to be NICE to SNAPE! It was against the laws of nature. He glanced behind Snape to where James was hiding. Was it just his imagination, or did he suddenly see a lock of fiery hair from behind the statue…?

&$&$&$

James stared at Lily. As beautiful as she was and as much as he liked her, gosh it was hard to sit and watch her ruin HIS beautiful ingenious prank... If only he could get un-petrified, then he could— _doink_!

James realized that he had been leaning against the wall for five minutes with his WAND in his hand. Good grief, how dumb could he get? Why hadn't he remembered nonverbal spells? They were perfect at times like these.

James silently thought the counter curse and felt his arms and legs separate. Quietly creeping up behind Lily, he watched to see how far along the prank was.

&$&$&$

Lily watched Sirius and Snape, enthralled by the grotesqueness of the situation. She had just decided to do something when she felt some one sneak up behind her.

&$&$&$

Sandra was so beautiful. He didn't know what possessed him to do it, but before he knew what was happening, he had leant forward, lips puckered...

&$&$&$

Stupid git. What was he doing? Wait...NO! **NO WAY!**

&$&$&$

She had been raising her wand. Suddenly, she felt a body collide with her just as she thought the incantation.

&$&$&$

Three things happened at the same time. James and Lily fell out onto the floor in plain view. Snape got ready to kiss the girl of his dreams. And when their lips were an inch apart, there was a sudden pop and someone quite different from Sandra was standing in front of him.

_A/n: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! insane high-pitched hyena giggle_

_Phoenix Queen_


	8. Confessions

_A/N: As usual, terribly sorry about the delay. Nothing to say really, except that this story is almost over! tear _

_Disclaimer: Duh. _

Sirius Black.

_Sirius Black_! What had happened to Sandra? Snape stared at the person in front of him. How did this _happen?_

Then it hit him... Sandra didn't exist. He should have known when he read the letter, Sirius had distinct hand writing, but, but...

&$&$&$

James stared at Lily who had, somehow, landed on top of him on the floor. Lord was she beautiful; if only he could get on her good side...

Then it hit him why she was on top of him. James felt horror run through his veins. The prank! Sirius was changed back to himself! This was not exactly going as he had planned...

&$&$&$

Lily was in shock. It was on thing to think that Sandra was Sirius and quite another to see Snape almost kissing him. She was so shocked in fact that she didn't notice how quiet it had gotten—in fact, there wasn't a sound in the room.

That was, until she realized that she was lying on top of James Potter. 

Letting out a startled shriek, she hurled herself off of him, leaping to her feet. This seemed to have awoken Snape, as he had jumped back about five feet from Sirius with a yell, tripped on the hem of his pants, and wiped out, landing flat on his back on the cold floor. _(A/N: I couldn't resist_.)

This noise led to several reactions. Both Remus and Bellatrix jumped out of their hiding places. Bellatrix was looking stunned and confused, staring uncomprehendingly at Sirius who had conjured a jar of mouthwash and a glass of water, and was now rinsing his mouth thoroughly, spitting disgustedly on the floor, a look of utter revulsion on his face. Much of the saliva-water was splattering onto Snape, who was still scooting away from Sirius, shock and horror etched into his features. James had an interesting expression on his face: disappointment with the brevity of the prank mixed with a foolish grin, due to Lily's closeness. The young woman in question was bright red in the face and yelling at James—something about the response he had given her to their prolonged contact. And Remus was just standing there, watching the scene play out with an amused, if slightly bewildered, expression.

&$&$&$

Snape stared at Sirius from his position on the floor. How could this be happening to him? What had he done to condone (A/n: _Wow, that's a sweet word, Jadis!_ **Thanks! I know, I'm a genius.** _Riiiiight. Back to the story!_) this evil twist of fate? Sandra had been the perfect girl; beautiful, witty, charming, in love with him... Snape felt anger seep into his chest. Sirius was going to pay, and the rest of the Marauders too. They wrecked his life, he'd wreck theirs.

An evil smirk came on to his face as he pulled out his wand. Evan's screams had inspired him. Anger one marauder and you got them all...

&$&$&$

Lily was livid. Why did Potter always have to ruin _everything_? What was his problem that he always had to take every situation and try to get her to go out with him? Couldn't he see that she didn't want to? What was his problem? Lily was so angry that she didn't notice at first that she was screaming her head off at James, who was sitting on the floor and staring at her.

"Potter! What is your problem? Why are you staring at me? For Merlin's sake, can't you for once in your life be decent and—" Lily continued to scream, getting louder and madder as she yelled.

"And stop smiling you prat! You're not supposed to be happy when someone is screaming their head off at—!" Her words were cut off as some thing hit her back...

&$&$&$

James stared at Lily, thinking about how beautiful she was when she got mad. Her hair got messy, her cheeks flushed and her eyes, her brilliant green eyes, shone brightly with anger. She didn't seem to know that he did most things just to see her face like that. A smile started to grow on his face as Lily's screams got louder and more swear words were making their way into her rant; she had used most of them on him at some point or another in the past... James was pulled out of his daydream as Lily's yells suddenly stopped and she fell towards the floor.

&$&$&$

'Perfect shot!' thought Severus, a maniacal glint now in his eyes.

&$&$&$

James lunged forward to catch Lily as she fell. He placed her gently on the floor, resisting the urge to lean forward and kiss her forehead. It would be indecent, and also kind of weird, with her unconscious and everything. He might be desperate to get her to fall in love with him, but that was just unfair. But he did let his finger caress her face, which was as soft as silk.

Suddenly, he remembered that she had just been hexed, and he spun around furiously, whipping out his wand, prepared to murder the person who had tried to do her harm_ (A/n: Lol, I am really having waaaay too much fun doing this. I would make a horrible matchmaker. You're lucky I'm not God.) _

Scanning the room, he found Sirius now washing his eyes and Bellatrix standing there in confused awe. Lupin was watching Sirius with an amused expression on his face. But then James caught sight of Snivellus, and there was a challenging, triumphant look in his gaze.

In that moment, James wished for nothing more than to be able to pound him into a pulp. The fights between the two of them, well, they were normal, natural. It was just the way it was. But now Snape had gone too far. He had brought Lily into it, and that was something that James would never, ever, let happen again.

He followed Snape's gaze and found that he was staring at Lily, her hair spread out like a halo around her head, eyes closed peacefully. And then, he didn't know what came over him. But the next second he was lunging towards Snape, all magic forgotten, and his fist had collided with the slimy git's head.

&$&$&$

Sirius sat on the floor disgusted, stuffing his mouth with chocolate. He shuddered. That was just nasty.

Snape.

Almost.

**_Kissed._**

Him!

He wondered if he would ever get the taste out of his mouth. He would never get over the fact that Snape almost kissed him.

Sirius was pulled out of his stupor by a loud thud next to him. Looking over, he saw Snape on the floor with James towering over him, his wand forgotten. Siruis' eyes opened wide. Usually James never resorted to muggle fighting; he always used his wand. What had caused this abrupt streak of stupidity?

Glancing about the room Sirius saw Lily stunned on the floor. That explained it all. Sirius rolled his eyes and turned back to James and Snape who were now in an all-out fist fight. Well actually it was more like a James-is-beating-Snape-to-a-pulp-extravaganza. Seeing that James had everything under control, Sirius went back to stuffing his face with chocolate.

&$&$&$

Lily groggily opened her eyes to see the smiling face of Sirius next to her.

"Hey Lily, you ok?"

Lily, still somewhat disconnected, replied with look of confusion.

"I'll take that as a no. …Um, yeah Lily do you think you could help me? Snape stunned you and well let's just say that old Jamesie isn't too happy."

Lily looked in the direction he was gazing and her eyes flashed with anger. Why did Potter always think that he had to defend her? Argh! That boy was such an adorable prat.

Lily halted in her tracks.

Did she just call James _adorable_?

&$&$&$

Snape managed to get his fist into James's stomach, smiling grimly. This was exactly the reaction he had anticipated and wanted, although a little less of the being-beaten-senseless would be nice. But he was satisfied, because he knew that he had finally touched the nerve.

Goodness knew that James had pushed his buttons enough, and finally he was getting back at him—possibly in a low way, but who honestly cared? Besides, it wasn't exactly like James was at a disadvantage here, being about a head taller than him and much more muscular from Quidditch. _(A/N: Mmmmmm…James' muscles…_**Phoenix stop drooling!**_ Wha—gah—kdbu—it wasn't me! Back to the story!) _

&$&$&$

Lily was still staring at James as if she had never seen him before. What was going on?

She hated James!

...Didn't she?

Suddenly nothing made sense. Of course she hated James! I mean, look at the way he had acted towards her all these years! Asking her out every second, pretending like he actually liked her when she knew as well as he did that she was just another one of his toys, like a medal he could pin to his chest—"I went out with Lily Evans." She had never been more than 'another girl'. Not that she had ever wanted to be.

But as she watched James's face, contorted with a fury she had never seen before, she unwillingly began to doubt. Maybe...maybe she hadn't been just one of his toys. Maybe he actually did...actually...

It was too much to think about. Especially with Sirius next to her, gleefully shouting, "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!..."

&$&$&$

James was livid. Snivellus _dared_ to hurt Lily. Preparing to punch Snape as hard as he could in the nose, he suddenly remembered that Lily hated it when he beat up on people. With a start he leapt off of Snape, his eyes wide with fear. He had just done the very thing that Lily hated the most.

Quickly pulling out his wand he performed several healing charms on Snape and then turned around to revive Lily, only to find her perfectly wake and staring at him, her face full of confusion.

&$&$&$

Lily stared at James, watching him punch Snape without mercy. The thought crossed her mind that she wanted to stop him. It was disgusting, this excessive display of violence, but she just couldn't think. Startled out of her thoughts by a sudden movement, Lily saw James leap up and point his wand at Snape. Lily stepped forward, thinking that she would have to stop James from cursing Snape into oblivion. She was, however, flabbergasted. Instead of jinxing Snape, James performed several healing charms and then spun around, almost running into her. 

"Potter!" she stammered. "What are you—did you just—why—what are you doing?" She was less annoyed than simply stunned. The events of this evening had been extremely perplexing.

"I think I'd like to ask the same question, Potter," Snape spat, pronouncing the word like it was a disease.

"Yeah, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm totally lost," Sirius put in, looking in a confused way at James. Remus and Bellatrix both moved up to stand beside them. James faced them all, and he kept shooting nervous glances at Lily, as if he expected her to suddenly start yelling again. She, however, was watching him with the same bewildered anticipation as the rest of the group.

&$&$&$

_Well, here goes_. thought James gloomily. _Now I have to explain everything to them. How should I do this? "Well you see, I'm just about totally in love with Lily, and so when I saw Snape hex her, I decided to make him pay. Then I remembered that Lily hates it when I beat up Snape, so I healed him in the hopes that she might not hate me as much." Yeah, right. Lily would be livid if he said something that bold to her, much less in front of everyone. _So he just gritted his teeth and said,

"I didn't actually want to hurt Snape." There was a moment's silence, in which he could feel everybody staring at him but looked away. Then Sirius gave an echoing snort of laughter and began sniggering.

"Right, Prongs. And that's why you jumped on him and started punching the living daylights out of him. Nice job, by the way."

James half expected Remus to do something, but he merely stood there, watching James, eyebrows raised as if to say, "You got yourself into this situation, might as well tell the truth."

Gulping, he squared his shoulders, aware that everyone was still waiting, not having believed his first excuse. This was it, then.

"Ok, fine. You want to know the reason why I healed Snape? The reason I started attacking him? The reason I'm in this situation in the first place?" He took a deep breath, then turned to Lily and stepped up to her.

"Cuz I'm crazy about you, Lily Evans."

&$&$&$

She seemed to have lost the ability to speak. James's eyes were boring into hers, pleading, and for the first time she realized that he _wasn't_ kidding. James Potter actually loved her.

For some reason Lily found that she didn't mind that much. Her eyes opened wide. She didn't mind. _When did this happen? I... I hate James! I just called him James again. Oh my giddy aunt, I like him don't I?_

&$&$&$

Sirius stared at James as he tried to explain what he was doing, and failed miserably. He almost started laughing at how funny Prongs looked, when suddenly the boy in question had turned towards Lily.

"Ok, fine. You want to know the reason why I healed Snape? The reason I started attacking him? The reason I'm in this situation in the first place? 'Cuz I'm crazy about you, Lily Evans."

Sirius watched Lily carefully. Usually when James started talking about how he was head over heels for her she slapped him or screamed her head off. But this time she said nothing, just stood there staring at James looking very lost. After several minutes of intense silence Sirius piped up.

"Um... Prongs mate? That really didn't explain it." But James appeared not to have heard.

Suddenly, a stab of a very hot emotion hit Sirius. James was paying him no attention; he was still standing there gazing at Lily as if she were the most beautiful thing on the planet. Hurl. But Sirius was beginning to feel pretty annoyed, and suddenly worried. James had been after Lily his whole life. Now that she liked him back, what was going to happen? Would James start spending all his time with her and totally forget about his friends? Would he go get married and have kids? Would he forget about everything their friendship had meant to him?

And suddenly Sirius wasn't exactly sure he liked where this was heading.

&$&$&$

Wait. So Potter, that filthy hypocrite, attacks me, and that makes Lily like him? So what if he healed me afterwards! It was kinda his fault I was covered with injuries in the first place, wasn't it! And since when has Lily felt anything but loathing for James? This is totally unfair! Everything that snobbish high-and-mighty Potter does just turns into a blessing for him. Well he's going to get what's coming to—wait a minute. What's that noise?

&$&$&$

"Hide!" James whispered furiously.

What on earth was going on? But then Lily heard it too...a faint shuffling, almost like footsteps. Everyone was preparing to scatter when a wheezy, delighted voice issued from the shadows.

"Well, well...we _are_ in trouble, aren't we?"

_A/N: This is the penultimate chapter! sobbing Well, life must go on!_


	9. Very Inconclusive Ending

_A/N: Oh god, I can't believe this is the last chapter!!! And I can't believe it took me over three months to update!!!! And I can't believe that a certain someone coughKishcough hasn't bitten my head off yet like she was threatening to if I didn't update!!!! In all seriousness, however (ha, like I'm ever serious), this story has been mucho fun to write and get reviews on. So, love you all!!!! The very absolute last chapter!!! runs off to a corner to sob _

**Disclaimer: This story was written purely for the enjoyment of the authors and readers. **

**Don't sue.**

"Shove over, Prongs!"

"Oh honestly, Padfoot, you're as bad as he is! Get your elbow out of my basin!"

"Well forgive me, Mr. I'm-so-great-at-cleaning-stupid-badges-with-stupid-ing-toothbrushes!" 

"Says the guy who has the skill level of a baboon."

"Get your greasy nose out of it, Snivelly!"

"Yeah, because you're SO handsome, Black!"

"Want me to change the shape of YOUR face, Bellatri—"

"OH FOR PETE'S SAKE, WOULD YOU ALL SHUT UP???!!!!!!" Lily bellowed.

She was not having a good day. It was their eleventh detention and she was stuck with Snape, Bellatrix, Sirius, Remus and _James_.

James. The boy had done nothing but confuse the heck out of her. First he basically told her that he loved her, and then (after they were caught) avoided her as much as possible. Now she was stuck in the trophy with a group that had a combined maturity of ten years old (excluding herself, obviously) cleaning every trophy the school seemed to posses.

She had a strange but not unfamiliar sensation on the back of her neck. Looking up, she caught the eye of James, who was staring at her.

"What?" she asked irritably.

"Nothing," he quickly replied and moved away to put more distance between them. There  
was a slight twinge of embarrassment and guilt at his actions. Maybe she was being a  
bit too cross. Although still firmly advocating that she and James were not a "couple", Lily was finding herself thinking about him increasingly more than usual or normal, and the thoughts themselves were beginning to change as well.

It had all really begun when he had seriously told her he liked her. This made her wonder a lot. Was she just playing along, sort of flattering herself because he liked her while not having any real feelings towards him? Or was it simply easier to love someone when they loved you? But who was talking about love, anyway?

Lily sighed and dipped her toothbrush back into the suds, moving over to start on another trophy. The fact that she had chosen a trophy closer to James' was obviously a coincidence.

James smiled at her when she knelt beside him, scrubbing furiously at a particularly stubborn piece of rust. She smiled back without even thinking about it. It was just a natural reaction now. His smile broadened into an adorable, excited young boy's. She felt herself blushing and turned away.

"Oh Merlin," she thought desperately. "What have I gotten myself into?"

&$&$&$

James wanted to smack himself on the head, he felt so stupid. Why couldn't he manage to talk to Lily? Never before had this happened. Even when she had put a silencing charm on him he still had managed to communicate with her through some very interesting sign language...but now? Now that he had basically spilled his heart out to her, he couldn't say a thing. Every time he tried his throat got all clogged up and the words in his brain just wouldn't come out. This of course was rather embarrassing so he avoided Lily at all costs, a difficult feat seeing as she was in his house and didn't seem to hate him any more.

Out of the corner of his eyes, James could see Lily moving on to another trophy. He tried not to put too much significance on the fact that she had chosen a spot closer to his. Tentatively, he grinned at her.

Lately he had been a thousand times more attracted to her—and a thousand times more terrified of her. He didn't want to seem too forward. If he messed it up now, just when it seemed like she was beginning to hate him less...well, that would be too much to bear.

To his enormous surprise and relief, Lily smiled back at once. And it wasn't a sarcastic smile either. It was a beautiful, happy, 100 real Lily smile. James smiled back even more enthusiastically, feeling almost lightheaded. Her cheeks reddened a little and she ducked her head, returning forcibly to her work.

She was blushing around him? Since when?

Well, it was a good sign most likely. She was starting to warm up to him.

Sirius shuffled over on his knees with a toothbrush in his hand, cursing fluently at Filch, McGonagall and what sounded like random names he spotted on the trophies. He began scrubbing one of the medals that James had already cleaned. Winking at James, he leaned over him to grin at Lily. She raised an eyebrow at him and grinned sardonically back.

Sirius then turned to James, who was seething. Leaning forward in an attempt at inconspicuous, Sirius whispered,

"Why don't you just ask her out, Prongs?" James looked furiously out of the corner of his eye at Lily, who appeared not to have heard, and then turned to Sirius.

"Please stop trying to play matchmaker," he hissed between clenched teeth. "Just let me work this out on my own!" Sirius snorted.

"Ah yes, because you're so good at communicating with ladies. You two have said, let's see, seven words to each other today? 'Let's get this the hell over with'?"

"Just shut up! I'm doing this my way!"

"And your way is not to do anything at all. Yes, I can definitely see how that would be irresistible."

"Listen, I already tried being assertive about it. For five years. And in case you didn't notice, that approach failed. So maybe letting her take the first step is the way to go."

James sighed in relief as Sirius rolled his eyes and continued down the line of statues, then snuck another look at Lily. It looked like she hadn't heard a thing. James wasn't sure if this was good or not.

&$&$&$

Lily was confused. She had just overheard the conversation between James and Sirius, and it was not good news. James still liked her. Ok, that was good news. But he wanted her to make the first move. Crap. First moves were not her forte.

What did you do? Try to start a conversation? Sit next to him in class? Or should she just kiss him? The latter did not sound like a particularly good idea; really, it sounded like something Sirius might do. So, definitely not a good idea.

She bit her lip and suddenly realized that she had stopped cleaning and James was looking at her oddly. Well, another odd look from James to add to her collection. She had been receiving plenty over the past few weeks.

Rather than attempt a conversation (James didn't seem to have mastered that art yet; whenever she spoke to him he answered in more of an embarrassed garble than actual words) Lily plunged her rag into the soapy water. Or, tried to. At that precise moment, James pulled the bucket a little closer to him and Lily's hand ended up slamming into the inside top of the bucket. Which consequently caused the bucket to flip in her direction and dump its entire contents over her.

Two seconds later, Lily pulled back the drenched hair obscuring her vision and found herself staring at James, who looked positively mortified.

&$&$&$

"Oh Merlin...I'm s-so sorry Lily!"

Was she mad at him? Her face was still stunned. _I just wrecked it all, I know it! Man, I'm such an idiot!_ Lily was reaching behind her. Was she pulling out her wand? Was she going to hex him?

But the last thing James saw before a wave of icy water engulfed him was Lily  
holding Sirius' bucket, her face alive with laughter.

&$&$&$

Sirius looked over confusedly at the two. Lily had just taken his water bucket. But as soon as he saw the two of them, soaked and grinning, only one thought entered Sirius' mind. And when thoughts entered his mind, they usually came out his mouth as well.

"WATER FIGHT!!!!"

&$&$&$

Lily just didn't know what to think when everyone started screaming and dumping pails of water on each other. A few weeks ago, she would have tried to stop them; sure they would all be in terrible trouble when Filch came back. But Lily was not the same person that she had been a few weeks ago.

She had thought she would never change for anyone, least of all James Potter. And that was still true. She hadn't changed for James. She had changed for herself.

A blast of icy water hit her in the face. She gasped, and then started laughing. It was, not surprisingly, James. For a second, their eyes met, and Lily finally realized that she had done what she had sworn never to do: she had fallen in love with James Potter.

Lily aimed her wand and sent a hoselike jet of water at him, which hit him on the chest.  
She laughed hysterically as he shot a beam of water at her, but missed. And there the two stood, seeming to have forgotten the battle around them as they conducted their own water duel.

Every so often their eyes would meet, and Lily felt a warm fullness radiating throughout her body although the water was frigid. Even though there was bound to be awkwardness still to vanquish between them, she knew that they would conquer it all. Soon she hoped they would be able to feel that closeness always described in books or movies, the vibe shining around two people who truly loved each other. There would come a day when she and James would have that.

But for now, all she needed was to stand there, soaking wet and screaming with laughter, while the forgotten others battled around them and she was with James.

_**SOBBBBBBBINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **_

**_sniff Farewell, all! We shall miss you!!!!_**

_Let's end on a happy note. _

_Here's a llama, there's a llama and another little llama, fuzzy llama funny llama llama llama duck!... _


End file.
